Despite – perhaps because of – the rumour and intrigue that continues to swirl around her brief but highly eventful dalliance as a primary teacher, Anthea has managed to carve for herself a place in the upper echelons of society resulting in her recent appointment as High Priestess of the Chai Society.

First noted in the 1328 census of Grzanstsk, Anthea has had a long and distinguished career as an artisan of baked goods for canines having maintained the same storefront for well over six centuries. Her 412 volume biography is due for publication next year to coincide with her 700th birthday.

As an amateur wrangler of words, assassin of adjectives, and veritable velouté of verbs, Anthea has seduced more sentences between the luxurious velvety sheets of her notepad than Casanova had hot breakfasts. As equally prepared, Anthea refuses to travel anywhere without her reinforced oak writing desk and dodo feather quill.

Living proof that an infinite number of monkeys can’t hope to produce Shakespeare, Anthea assaults the keyboard with the fervour of a monk on a bad acid trip and lets auto correct attempt to pick up the slack. Her tales are a testament to stream of consciousness at an extreme.

After distinguishing herself with the ruthless but unnerving command of the Fifth Freddo Battalion in the Battle of Caramello against the much superior Knights of the Toblerone, General Anthea Dunkirk melted away from public view. Accused of war crimes by Lord William Wonka, General Dunkirk has since fled to Argentina.

Cosmonaut, burlesque performer, author – Anthea Dunkirk has at various times laid claim to each. Archival documentation only supports her time in two of these three professions with her claims to the other quite possibly being the product of a delusional episode. Which one is an exercise left for the reader.

As the only survivor to have an amuse-bouche named in her honour, Anthea Dunkirk has managed to develop this into a successful career as a motivational speaker, giving hope to all victims of excessive marshmallow toxicity syndrome. Her guide to foraged marshmallows is due for release later this year.

Having been arrested during the 2023 purges for the heinous crime of being a female holding an opinion contrary to official dogma, Anthea Dunkirk escaped incarceration by tunnelling out using the artificial knee implant of her short-lived cellmate. This manifesto was penned whilst on the run on Macquarie Island.

Ms Dunkirk’s determination to write regardless of hardships arrayed against her is best displayed by this manuscript. Written using a combination of her recently deceased husband’s blood and entrails after a particularly cold morning frosted over the windscreen leaving her unable to buy a new pen to replace one lost.

After tracing her family tree back to the High Elves of Mithrilwain, Anthea Dunkirk embarked on a quest to rid the world of evil dwarves. Her diaries of the subsequent legal proceedings brought against her by angry gardeners who had seen their garden ornaments abducted have sold in the millions.

Upon discovering after seven months of meditation that Scooby Doo was her spirit animal, Anthea Dunkirk set about creating a detective agency solely dedicated to investigating both kooky and spooky mask wearing local criminals, aided by a bunch of meddling kids. These stories are the distillation of her case files.

Seriously? Fifty words? How the fuck are you meant to boil down someone’s life to fifty fucking words? I mean, look, Anthea was born, did kid shit, stored up some teenage angst and then abused a typewriter for 80,000 words as some sort of misguided psycho fuckery therapy. That’s it.